Rollercoaster

Oh my,
So many things happening. Last week was a bad week.

-Step-Dad extremely ill (Mum nearly called me to come home thinking he wouldn't make it). He is now improving.

-I had a computer virus and so had my lappie wiped and operating system reinstalled (BIG thanks to G instructing over the phone...).

-The long awaited results of my fellowship application came last week. I have been stressing over this to the point of making myself sick. Thoughts of "when am I coming home...?" and "how much do I really want to go through with this after all...?" have been in my head for quite a few months. I applied for this fellowship back in August but many things have changed. I had kind of decided to myself that if I didn't get the fellowship, which is my salary for three years, I would definitely come home (a sign or something). My boss didn't think I would get it because in December someone published results along the lines of what we proposed. I also thought that once I have the result maybe I would have a better idea of what to do. Well I actually got it. Instead of being very excited and happy, I actually cried (lots of that happened last week). It didn't make anything clearer, it made it harder. I don't know why I thought it would make it easer. I know I really don't want to be here that long, but it is a huge thing to give up. Money is extremely hard to get and competition is fierce (in the US and Australia). It is the fourth application I have submitted. The work I am doing is very novel and exciting (helping to understand breast development and also breast cancer), and I know how good the teaching environment and experience is, but, I am forever homesick. Also with the recent development of my Step-Dad makes me want to be a bit closer to home. I have exhausted my, G's, JD's, and BT's brains (many thanks guys!) going over the options trying to help come up with the right thing for me (us, I should say-- G is in this too) to do. I have yet to talk to my boss about it (She has been in Ireland and is back tomorrow). Ultimately G and I want to be together. But I am not sure if I want that to be here. Although the research possibilities and training are great and people wonderful, the pay and benefits are definitely not -officially no hols, sick leave, maternity leave or super for the first few years while I am a postdoc, or as they like to call it "in training" (but don't get me started on that). If I take the fellowship it will mean a pay rise but not by much. I actually have typed up my thoughts on this but never posted it to the blog wondering if it was too personal and dreary for people to read. This is a some what shortened version...

-Finally USA tax was due. I had refilled out my form after the death and resurrection of my lappie only to have the printer cease to work. More stressing about deadlines and closing time of the post-office, I filled the bloody thing out by hand. All to find that my huge return will be a whopping $9. SO NOT WORTH IT!!!! I get home to find a UPS package at the front office and it is Easter choccie from Mum -mmm Lindt gold bunny (and he arrived not melted or squashed!). Just what I really need right now.

Here is the sign at the base of the first chair lift at Taos ski village, New Mexico, where G and I went for a weekend while he was here. I loved it (the sign and the skiing)! When you first arrive all you can see is this sheer cliff of doom, rocks and moguls. The quickest way down is all extreme black level runs. This sign is to put you at ease that yes there are easier runs further up the mountain and another much easier way down.